Envy
So many of my ideas for this project come from my nightly walks with my boyfriend Tedd. I will agonize and puzzle over the topic - “Oh! I can’t possibly write about this one!” - and he’ll make some offhand observation that makes me realize I can.
This week it was “Envy…isn’t that one of the seven deadly sins?”
“Yes…” I responded.
”That seems silly though, doesn’t it? What’s so terrible about envy? Isn’t it one of the main motivations for people to accomplish things in life? What’s so terrible about that?”
“Well, yes…I suppose so. But I think the point is that if envy is what’s motivating you, you’re doing things for the wrong reasons. I mean, according to Christian thought. I guess you’re supposed to be motivated from within, wanting to make something better of yourself and do good for the world, not because you’re in competition with other people.”
Neither of us being at all religious, we were both paddling our canoes in unfamiliar waters.
“Well, I guess so. But what really matters to me is the deed, the act itself. That’s what’s permanent. That’s what actually affects things. Not what you were thinking while you did it,” he said.
“According to the Gospel of Batman Begins, `it’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you. ’ Yes, I know.”
“Exactly! Dissatisfaction with our current state is what compels us forward. `Sally has two jobs and is working on her second degree - surely I can work on my second degree while just having one job.”
“Yeah but, Sally is a workaholic and addicted to pep pills.”
” `Sally is a workaholic and addicted to pep pills. Surely I can at least get addicted to pep pills.’ “
“Fair enough.”
So I buried my face in pillows for a long time last night and tried to shut my eyes and think of people I envy, people whose lives I see and think “why not me? Why can’t I do that?”
And I realized, after several hours, that there seems to be no one. My mind kept coming back instead to animals I envy. Badgers for their snug, safe little burrows. Magpies for their ability to fly and their shiny-thing gathering. Cheetahs for their grace and their speed. Ducks for their superpower ability to fly and swim and walk on dry land. Manta rays for their enormous wing span and their ability to move through the sea as if they’re flying. Pigeons for their ability to always find their way back home.
“This,” I thought, “is the reason I never accomplish anything. I can’t even properly compare myself to people. Instead I lay here and dream about being different animals all day, feel hopelessly inferior, and end up eating way too many yogurt-covered pretzels. “
If you envy me for anything, envy me for my enormous capacity for yogurt-covered pretzels. As far as I know, it is unsurpassed.
